The boys have been up all night, and they have figured out a straightforward and infallible method. A great general he is. He knows to keep it simple. Not many these days know how to keep it simple, and that’s the benefit of a simple general. And simple indeed is our general.
He addressed us, or rather, his inferior addressed us in his name. Take notes, as this will be useful not only in your work if you are a military man but in your life if you are a thoughtful man. He said:
“You know that gas? That smoke? It’s the sort of smokescreen we have that I don’t quite recall its name. Anyhow, it’s quite expensive, indeed, yes, and we haven’t much of it left in our possession. Not to mention, it requires those goggles. You see, there’s no use in a smokescreen if you can’t see, because then you get just as confused as the enemy and neither of you know much what to do. Sort of fun, sort of cowardly, sort of stupid, yes, and we don’t much want that sort of thing right now, right?
“So you have to put on those special goggles. And you know why we don’t do this often, right? The goggles look very unattractive, very emasculating, you take a real hit to morale. And what too a real hit to the public perception, like what the people think of you, and the last thing you want the people thinking of you especially right now, the last thing, is ‘boy, do those guys look stupid, unattractive, they don’t look much like strong men.’ No, that’s the last thing you want, and especially right now.
“But you know, every army these days has that powder to make that smokescreen or at least everyone knows it exists, right? So it goes without saying that everyone has those goggles, too, but you don’t see anyone wearing them because, well, you know, they have the same issues as we do what with the morale and the popularity. And so they might be walking about in a battle or whatever and they might have the goggles on their hips but no chance they have them on before a battle starts. It’s a deterrence, see. If everyone has the gas and everyone has the goggles, then nobody uses the gas ‘cause nobody wants to use the goggles. Nobody says it but it’s sort of obvious so, you know, it’s the sort of thing that happens.
“Now I’m not about to suggest, as you might be afraid I may do, that we use the gas. Again, we don’t have much of it and what we have we did have to steal. Still no clue how to make it ourselves. Plus we used about half to just test it out and yes it does work so credit there but no, we don’t want to take the little reserves we have and use them now. But, see, here’s the thing. Soldiers, brave soldiers like you are, brave soldiers do take risks. But generals, smart generals, simply come up with the best risks for brave soldiers to take. Here’s the risk.
“You put on the goggles. Yes, I know, I know, I have just said the goggles are very demoralizing, but you must follow my logic here if you will indulge. You will don the goggles, as demoralized as you may feel, as emasculated as you may feel. But then, as you walk towards our foes and they see these goggles, they’re smart you know, they will see the goggles and they will think ‘aha! The goggles! They are going to use the smokescreen! We would have never expected that!’
“But of course they have their goggles too. Naturally, they will reach to their hips for their goggles, which they will surely have as they are smart too, and they will reluctantly put them on. But think of the leverage, gentlemen! They have to spend time not only to look, reach for, pick up, strap on and tighten the goggles, but also time to overcome the psychic barrier of putting on the goggles. We have all the time in the world to overcome such troubles as you march in and your goggles are already tightened. They have to waste seconds.
“And in those seconds, shoot!”
Oh the simplicity! Oh the wit! Now that, friends, is a battle plan. When you have so small an army and so large a foe, there is no choice but to be simple and witty! Now, of course, there is the rare disbeliever. Not rare in that he occurs only on occasion, but that there is only one of him per occasion, you see. In this case, he says
“And what if they don’t try to put on their goggles?”
“Well,” the inferior replied indignantly, “why shouldn’t they?”
“Perhaps because they shouldn’t. We don’t have the gas.”
“But they don’t know that.”
“But what if they do know that?”
“Well how can they know that?”
“Well how can we know they don’t know that?”
Oh, the foolery of complication! When you think these many layers deep, these many steps ahead, you lose the elegance of it. Nothing elegant about knowing who knows what can or cannot be known and whatnot. I, for one, will happily take the risk. If they know, there was never a chance anyway.